I Tootsie's Husband | 

S A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS S 

J PS 635 9 

*S857 I 

g^ Copy 1 By W. A. STIGLER !fl 

VL Author of IfJ 

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S "Son John" "The Greater Love" "America" yj 

m "The Touch Divine" ffi 

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^ iramatir Olomjiattg | 

■JB CANADIAN, TEXAS Jfl 

g — . . ^„„. — g 

g NOTICE: This play is protected by United States g 

ffl Copyright, with all rights reserved to the Southern ^ 

h3 Dramatic Company, Canadian, Texas, from whom a ^ 

S license must be secured for each and every produc- S 

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DEC -7 1920 



Tootsie's Husband 



A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



By W. A. STIGLER 

Author of 

"Son John" "The Greater Love" "America' 
"The Touch Divine" 



©I|P ^0ttttj?rtt 

iramatir Olnmpatt^ 

CANADIAN, TEXAS . 



NOTICE: This play is protected by United States 
Copyright, with all rights reserved to the Southern 
Dramatic Company, Canadian, Texas, from whom a 
license must be secured for each and every produc- 
tion. 



-^^f^ 



35 



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a0\ 



FOREWORD 

The author of this play has been a public 
school man for a number of years. He was led 
to take up the writing of plays by reason of 
the fact that he found it almost impossible to 
secure a play suited to production by the 
average high school class. Plays of the Shakes- 
pearean type are not practicable, and yet, 
something more elevating than the ordinary 
play for amateurs is desired. It is hoped that 
this play falls within the happy medium, and 
will, therefore, meet the demanC. 

This is a Sample Copy for examination. Should 
you decide to produce the play, send $7.50 for 
Copyright Privilege, License, and full set of 
Actors' Parts. Use order blank in back of book. 

TIME: PRESENT 
COSTUMES: MODERN 



©GI.0 



3 65 00 



Tootsie's Husband 

A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 
By W. A. STIGLER 

Author of 
"SON JOHN" and "THE GREATER LOVE" 

CAST: 

Leonard Furman His "Tootsie's" Husband 

W. L. Oxford Lawyer, Leonard's Boss 

Toll Poyner In Oxford's Office 

Dr. Clyde Wysong Woman Hater and Wife Stealer 

Mr. Worthmore Jealous of his Wife's Cousin 

Bessir Piano Mover 

Mrs. Bessie Furman Afflicted with Nerves 

Kitty Sheppard ^ 1 Her Friend 

Mrs. Worthmore Worthmore's Young Wife 

Mrs. Ives Mrs. Furman's Dressmaker 

Mrs. Moore Suing the Railway Company 

Mrs. Truebelle As her Name Indicates 

Mrs. Kleberg A Parasite on Society 

Mrs. Oleson - Another 

Bessir. . 

ACT L 

SCENE: W. L. Oxford's prosperous law office. Table at cen- 
ter, desk right with typewriter and desk phone. Also desk at left. 
Desk phone on table at center. Book cases and books. 

Leonard Furman discovered seated at desk at right. Tele- 
phone rings and he answers. 

FURMAN. W. L. Oxford's office. ■-■-••" This is Leonard Furman 
speaking. Oh, is that you, precious! I was wondering why you 
hadn't phoned. "•"'^"No, I was just looking thru some books for 
gome material on a case. **■• No, no mail except a few — "■•"■•* 
Well, you know this is the first of the month. ■"••*Not so bad, I 
guess. You see I get my salary today, too. ^^--'Why, I don't know, 

1 



Tootsie. Don't you remember we said we were going to begin to 
try to save this month? *** ah yes ^•"*^'' uhuh ^**yes *** uhuh 
uhuh "*" well, ah *** you see ***uhuh *** yes, but precious 
* -^ yes * "'■■ uhuh '•** uhuh **" but — yes, yes, I see* * uhuh 
"** (Writing) Six yards, white *** Those two rockers? Don't you 
think we can make out another month? Yes *** uhuh *** I don't 
know, but "^^ uhuh *••'" oh, yes, sure, but don't you think we 
can do with one? Yes *"* uhuh *•■" Oh, sure ***0h, goodness, 
precious, don't say that. You know I couldn't have my Tootsie 
feeling that way *"*Sure, I'll do it. All right, good bye, dearie. 
(Hangs up receiver with a deep sigh.) 

(Enter Oxford left. He is smoking a cigar. He removes hat, 
places it on rack, and takes his place at table at center without 
noticing Leonard. He looks thru mail on table.) 

OXFORD. (Brusquely) Is this today's mail, Leonard? 

LEONARD. No, I answered all but a few personals there. 
Here are a few replies with checks for you to sign. (Brings pa- 
pers, then goes back to his desk.) 

OXFORD. Oh, the first again. Pay day for you, too, isn't it? 

LEONARD. (Apparently hard at work) Let's see: yes, I 
believe it is. 

OXFORD. Well, here's a little surprise for you. (Handing 
check.) 

LEONARD. (Examining check) A raise in salary — thank 
you, sir. I surely appreciate it, and hope I deserve it. This will 
help us so much! 

OXFORD. The H. C. L. shouldn't bother you, Leonard, that 
is, if you practice economy. 

LEONARD. (Answering phone which has just rung) Ox- 
ford's office, Leonard Furman speaking. Did you wish to sneak to 
Mr. Oxford? Oh, yes, take them to 1312 Oak Street. Good bye. 

OXFORD. Hmm! Living there now, Leonard? That's a pretty 
swell part of the city, isn't it? Must be pretty expensive 

LEONARD. Pretty. But it was just too much to keeo her 
cooped up where we v;ere, you know. She simply never got to see 
anyone or go anywhere. 

OXFORD. Hmm! Sometimes a start in life is worth a great 
deal more than a good stand-in with society. 

LEONARD. Oh, we are going to save now, and accumulate 
something. And now, with this increase in sal — *** 

OXFORD. LIh, you'd better remember that salary increases 
don't continue indefinitely. I'd think you'd find it an uphill busi- 

2 



nesa trying to save in that coromnnity with all those million- 
aires! Whew! It will be many a day before I can afford that! 

LEONARD. But we were fortunate to get that beautiful little 
home, and so reasonably, too. 

OXFORD. The very reason I am without a partner today is 
because Merrill's wife went wild over society and got him to go 
to Chicago where there is the real dope. And now, I venture to 
say, they're barely making ends meet. Better go slow, young 
man. 

LEONARD. Well, you know one must keep up one's social 
standing. (As tho reciting) One has a duty toward one's fellow 
man which one must live up to. 

OXFORD. Yeaah, but one's "social obligations" end when 
he gets out of funds. And (mimicking) one's salary can't go up 
every time one's wife wants a new gown or wants to give a 
thousand dollar ball. 

FURMAN. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you! Mr. Churchwell 
came to the door just before you came in and asked that you 
step across the hall to his office just as soon as you arrived. He 
has a prospective client for you that he wants you to meet. (Exit 
Oxford right.) 

(Furman works at desk. Enter Toll Poyner right. He is 
smoking and has his cap tilted to one side. He takes his seat at 
desk at left, lip curled in a cynical way.) 

FURMAN. (Turning his head) You are late again, Mr. 
Poyner. 

POYNER. (Cuttingly) Thank you. Did you read it in the 
papers? 

FURMAN. Read what? 

POYNER. That I am late. I judge that you thought it was 
news to me, else you would not have taken the trouble to tell me. 

FURMAN. I am sure that Mr. Oxford, our employer, will not 
approve of your being late so often. 

POYNER. I should worry! Office help is pretty scarce now. 
You see I was breakfasting with my girl who is visiting this 
burg. 

FURMAN. Mr. Poyner, you ought to get married and settle 
down. 

POYNER. Again I thank you. You are the shining example 
of the model husband and happily married man, I suppose. 

FURMAN. (Not heeding his cut) And give more attention to 
your employer's business and less to the girls, and I am sure 

3 



you'd rise faster. 

POYNER. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your kind-i 

ness in giving me so much good advice! The trouble with free! 
advice is that the person who usually gives it has done nothing] 
himself and his advice has no weight to it. 

FURMAN. The world today needs strong men — men of char- 
acter, i 

POYNER. And once more, I suppose YOU are the example!! 
Eh? Here you've been toiling ten long hours a day for fourj 
years under this boss and now you are holding down the same' 
job. He doesn't appreciate your overtime, I tell you, 

FURMAN. I would rather you would not talk slightingly; 
about our employer in my presence. I am sure he pays us all we; 
earn. 

POYNER. Humph! Now. let me give you a little common 
sense in with all your advice. There is no way of subsidizing a 
man's overtime; employers don't figure on it. They expect men 
to do just as little as they can and get by with it, and they figure 
their business accordingly. 

FURMAN. You are only pessimistic. You would have a dif- 
ferent outlook on life if you would only get you a helpful, tender, 
loving, cheerful little wife. 

POYNER. There aint no such thing! And don't try to pull 
that old stuff on me about two living as cheaply as one. I know 
because my purse is so empty it's almost wrong side out since 
OUR breakfast together. 

FURMAN. You need a quiet little helpmate who could teach 
you to save. (Phone at right rings and Furman takes down re- 
ceiver.) Oxford's office, Furman speaking. Oh, that you, dearie! 
Yes, she's been over to see me, but listen, we don't — it's quite 
a large account. Well, if she won't sew for you any more without 
its being paid, just get someone else. *** Oh, I am sure you can 
find another as good. Well, what if it does take time? You- don't 
need any new dresses for awhile, do you? (Tryini? to speak so 
Poyner cannot hear) I am sure we can't afford *** Well, she's an 
old friend, and you won't need new things for her. You kno'v, 
dearie, we'll simply have to save — what! *** uhuh *** yes ***] 
uhuh *** but, dearie, *** uhuh ***yes, I know, but *** no 
* *uhuh * * but, dearie *** uhuh *** yes, I know, but * * no 
*** uhuh *** Oh, no, now, sweet, don't think that way *** You 
know I'm not like that! That'll be all right, Pll manage it for 
you. *** Sure *** Now cheer up. Good bye. Sweetie. Yes, I'll 

4 



hurry home. Good bye! (Returns receiver to its hook with sigh.) 

POYNER. (Who was indifferent at first, but who had grad- 
ually craned his neck, open-mouthed, sneeringly) Helpful, tender, 
loving, cheerful *** Ideal ! ! 

FURMAN, (After a pause, recovering himself) There are 
some important letters which Mr. Oxford wished to get off at 
once. Will you please take them down? 

POYNER. Sure! Glad of the chance! Maybe I'll strike a 
pretty skirt on the street — while you, Mr. Ideal Husband and 
Employe, stay in your nest! (Exit left.) 

FURMAN. (Taking down phone receiver) Alamo 1213. **** 
Say, dearie, I forgot to tell you just now some good news. Bet 
you can't guess what it is. Yes, $30.00. You were right. He did 
give it without my asking for it.' *** Sure you can now. Try to 
have something nice for her, too. Well, good bye, Tootsie, some- 
one's at the door. (Hangs up receiver and admits Mrs. Ives, left) 

MRS. IVES. This is Mrs. Ives, your wife's dressmaker again. 
You told me to present the bill when you had more time *** 

FURMAN. Yes, yes, now let's see, what did you say was the 
amount of the bill? 

MRS. IVES. For both months, $325. 

FURMAN. Why, er, madam, I — there must be some mistake. 
Do you have an itemized statement? I shall have to have my 
wife 0. K. it. 

MRS. IVES. Pardon me, sir. But after I saw the way you 
acted when I called before, I expected something like this; and 
you will notice your wife's signature. Now if you'll give me a 
check — *** 

OXFORD. (Inserting his head right) Leonard! 

FURMAN. Yes, sir. 

OXFORD. Step here a moment, please. 

FURMAN. Excuse me a moment, please. (Exits right.) 

(Mrs. Ives paces floor restlessly. Presently Oxford and 
Worthmore enter right. They sit at table in center and spread 
arms upon it.) 

OXFORD. (To Mrs. Ives) Well, madam, something for you? 

MRS. IVES. Yes, I am' waiting to finish my interview with 
Mr. Furman. 

OXFORD. Well, if you're in as big a hurry as you seem to 
be, you'd better come later, I put him to work on a task that he 
won't finish soon, and he'll not likely be back here for some time. 
(Holding door open, left) Good day! (Exit Mrs. Ives, left) 

5 



WORTHMORE. Mr. Oxford, I will state my case briefly. 
I have come to you because my friend, Mr. Churchwell, recom- 
mends you as the city's strongest lawyer. A short time ago I sep- 
arated from my wife, I left Kansas City a few weeks ago to get 
her away from a young doctor named Wysong. And when I found 
that he had followed us here and was welcomed by her. I at 
once brot matters to a crisis. Before I realized her attachment 
for him I acquiesced to her entreaties and placed half a million 
dollars in her hands for the purpose, as she said, of speculating. 
Soon I suspected that it was to^be invested at that scoundrel 
Wysong's, advice, and for his benefit. 

OXFORD. How did you learn all this? Are you sure of it? 

WORTHMORE. Of course. I don't make hasty decisions, and 
I never make a mistake. I learned it from a lady friend, our 
neighbor. (Walks floor nervously) Now I feel sure that they will 
try to speculate in some oil stocks, either in this place or in 
Ranger, Texas. Wysong's hog wild about oil. Now I want you to 
be on the ground at one place, and your partner, Mr. Merrill, at 
the other — 

OXFORD. Pardon me, sir, but Mr. Merrill is no longer with 
me. He is in Chicago — 

WORTHMORE. What's that! That's what you get by going 
on the other fellow's suggestion. Here I have gone and exposed 
my family skeleton to you and now you can't handle my case — f 

OXFORD. I beg your pardon, sir. I didn't say I couldn't 
handle your case, I merely said — 

WORTHMORE. Yes. I know what you said. But I must have 
a firm of at least two competent men to handle my case, so that 
one of them can be at this place and the other at Ranger. We 
must be able to operate against them in either place and work 
together at the same time. (Reaching for his hat, nervously) 
But what's the use of wasting words? I must look elsewhere for 
two partners. Please say nothing of this — 

OXFORD. But hold on — you misunderstand. I HAVE a part- 
ner — a — er — a very competent one. Just a moment. Please be 
seated. (Presses button. Leonard appears at right.) Mr. Worth- 
more, meet my new partner, Mr. Leonard Furman. Now — ah — ah 
— if you will go ahead with the statement of your case, I can 
explain later to Mr. Furman what you have already told me. 

(Furman remains standing halfway behind Oxford's chair, 
mouth agape, not comprehending. Gradually it dawns upon him 
and he is overjoyed.) 

6 



WORTHMORE. (Slowly settling in his chair) As I have said, 
this cur, Wysong, is likely going to direct the investment of the 
money. But both of them are just likely to let some agent sell 
them a lease on a few thousand acres of as worthless stuff af? 
that I bought yesterday from Hawkins, and pay the whole amoun^ 
for it, too. 

OXFORD. Ah, have a seat, Mr. Furman. This is a very im- 
portant case which Mr. Worthmore is stating, and I think we can 
let our other business wait on it. 

FURMAN. (Beginning to understand, sits) Yes sir. 

OXFORD. "It will likely take quite a bit of time to recover 
this money, Mr. Worthmore, and — ^" 

WORTHMORE. Recover? I haven't asked you to recover it, 
have I? All I am anxious for you to do is to prevent it from 
passing thru Wysong's devilish hands. It must not do THEM any 
good; that's all I am after. 

OXFORD. And you are sure she will invest it here or in 
Ranger, are you? 

WORTHMORE. I'm sure of it. I have letters which passed 
between them which will — 

OXFORD. Have you communicated with a lawyer in Ranger? 

WORTHMORE. Good heavens, no! Why, what do you think 
those two-by-four fellows could do? Why, even Wysong could 
outwit them! 

OXFORD. Uhuh. And you want one of us to — 

WORTHMORE. I want one of you to go there and the other 
to stay here, and I want you to learn enough about every holding 
in both places that you can get out an injunction and stop any 
investment she may try to make. Or you might get hold of some 
wildcat stuff for a little of nothing and unload it on them for the 
whole amount. The main thing is, keep them from making a 
profitable investment, and we can see about getting the money 
out of their hands later. 

OXFORD. In which of these places do you think she is more 
likely to invest? Where is your wife — I mean the former Mrs. 
Worthmore — now? 

WORTHMORE. They are both in Ranger right this minute, 
I think, and I want you to be there just as soon as you can, for 
they are looking for an inviting lease right now] If you succeed 
in this I'll pay you a hundred thousand dollars. Now, I must be 
going. I — 

OXFORD. Just a minute. Where can I get in touch with this 

7 



lady friend who, you say, told you about Wysong and your wife? 

WORTHMORE. 614 West 23d Street. By the way, complete 
that contract for that lease which I bought from Hawkins yes- 
terday. (Handing papers) You will notice that my name is not in 
the contract. I am buying it in the name of L. T. Smith, as I 
don't want my name connected with this oil game. 

OXFORD. (Examining papers) Uhuh. What is the amount 
you are paying for the lease? 

WORTHMORE. A dollar an acre, two thousand acres. I am 
taking it in on an account, and I consider it a gift. 

OXFORD. Hmmm. I saw a party the other day who said he'd 
like to get hold of this lease. 

WORTHMORE. Well, if you see him again and he still wants 
it, sell it to him. 

OXFORD. I'm not in that business, but I believe he'd pay a 
nice little sum for it. 

WORTHMORE. He's crazy! But sell it to him, anyway. I'll 
give you half of whatever you get from it. 

(Enter Mrs. Moore, left. She is carefully holding her right 
arms close to her side. She talks in high, nasal tone.) 

MRS. MOORE. Mr. Oxford, I want you to file suit against 
the railroad company for me. The train started while I was 
a-helpin' my darter on it, and hurt my right arm. I think it's par- 
alyzed. I can't raise it, or do anything with it. I — 

OXFORD. Excuse me. My partner, Mr. Thurman, will handle 
your case. Ah, Mr. Worthmore, come over here (They sit at desk, 
left) while we fix up an agreement in this matter. It is rather 
unusual, you know ****(They write, and talk in low tone.) 

MRS. MOORE. (To Furman, both seated at desk at right) I 
want you to sue 'em at once for $2,000. Oh, dear, I won't ever be] 
able to write to my pore girl, and she's to be gone a whole month 
to see her aunt. What will — 

FURMAN. Your name, please. (Writes) 

MRS. MOORE. Mrs. Moore: Mrs. Ophelia Abigail Obediah 
Moore. I'm a poor widder woman and I have to make my livin' 
by hard work, and now I cain't even drive my car or make out 
my statements for my rent nor nuthin' — 

FURMAN. When did this happen? 

MRS. MOORE. Yistiddy mornin'. I was a-helpin' my little 
sixteen-year-old girl on the train to go to see her aunt that lives 
in the old states. Her aunt ain't seen her in such a long time and 
she's named fer her, too. And she'd been a-beggin' fer her to 

8 



come an' see her, and so I finally decided to let her do it. And the 
pore little thing was a-cryin' so hard to have to be gone so long 
from her old mother — 

FURMAN, Now, if you'll please tell me just exactly how it 
happened — 

MRS. MOORE. I was jist a-goin' ter tell my pore little girl 
good-bye, and there was a whole lot o' people a-crowdin' around 
behind us. So I jist caught a-hold of her by her arm and held her 
over the side of the first step with my left hand and was a-hold- 
in' on to that there rod on the side of the car with my right hand 
this a-way (Demonstrating with right hand held high) until all 
of the people got on, and then I started to give her one last kiss, 
when the train started and jerked my arm so hard I ain't never 
been able to use it since.. 

FURMAN. (Catches hold of her arm and carefully lowers it, 
smiling. As she notices, she screams as though in pain.) I sug- 
gest that we put your arm in some kind of a bandage which will 
not let it move around so much until after the trial is over. I do 
not think that Mr. Oxford — (Catching himself) we could handle 
this case without a guaranteed fee, regardless of the outcome of 
the suit. Say, fifty dollars in advance. 

MRS. MOORE. Goodness sakes! and I'm a pore widder wo- 
man and have to pay so much taxes! But I suppose I'll have to 
pay it. Be sure you win the suit. Here's the money. (Handing 
check or bills) 

(Furman places fee on table and shows Mrs. Moore out, left. 
He then starts toward desk at right) 

OXFORD. Have you any questions to ask Mr. Worthmore, 
Mr. Furman? 

FURMAN. (Taken off his guard) Why, no sir — ah — er — Mr. 
' Worthmore, did you talk with your wife about this before you — 
ah — put her away? 

WORTHMORE. (Nervously) I should say not! I don't stoop 
to pleading my cause with anybody. Besides, I wasn't going to 
have her calling me jealous ! 

FURMAN. Hasn't she tried to talk with you at any time? 
(Oxford appears anxious for fear that Furman will spoil th^ 
case) 
1 WORTHMORE. She tried it, and she wrote me letters, but T 

I'never received them. She came to my oflSce, but she came only to 
mock me, for Wysong was with her at the time. Now, I must bid 
you good day, gentlemen. (Starts left) 

9 



OXFORD. 1*11 go down with you. I must make preparations 
to leave on that next train, (Giving Furman a knowing look) You 
are careless with your fees, Mr. Furman. (Hands Furman mon- 
ey from table and exits left with Worthmore.) 

(Furman puts money in vest pocket, pinches himself, then 
sits and stares at ceiling. Finally, as tho just realizing, he goes 
to case at left, helps himself to Oxford's cigars, seats himself 
and puts feet on table in grandiloquent air. Soon the telephone 
rings, and he answers.) 

FURMAN. This is Oxford and Furman's office. Yes, this is 
Furman speaking. *** But, madam, your rent was not due until 
yesterday, and I have been so busy I just haven't **** Oh, in 
advance? Well, of course I didn't know that. *** So just pay for 
two months now? ***** Gone up? *** Oh, just ten dollars more? 
All right. *** All right. Good bye. 

(He lays aside cigar, goes to desk at right and begins work. 
Enter Mesdames Furman, Truebelle, Kelberg, and Oleson, left.) 

MRS. FURMAN. Come in, ladies. There he is, busy as usual. 
He simply grinds away from daylight till dark. Look, dearie, who 
are here! 

FURMAN. (Rising) Glad to see you, ladies! Have seats. 

MRS. FURMAN. We are on our way to meet Kitty. Her train 
will be in soon. And I had to conie by for a minute to tell you 
I am planning a little afternoon party for her, so she can get 
acquainted. We will need to get some things and I wanted to 
kow what we'll be able to — you see, ladies, we are poor folks, and 
have to consider expense. 

MRS. OLESON. Yes, things are dreadfully high nowadays, 
but one has to live — 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. And wear clothes— 

FURMAN. Now, wifey, I have something good to tell you. I 
have just been made Mr. Oxford's partner! 

MRS. FURMAN. His partner! Oh, fine! Now I can do what 
I have been dreaming of for so long — get that swell piano at 
Harwell's. 

MRS. KLEBERG. The swellest piano in the city ! Won't that 
be too lovely for anything! 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. I must say, dearie, you are showing 
taste! If you keep on planning, you are going to put on one of the 
daintiest little affairs of the day! 

MRS. KLEBERG. She's a delightful entertainer! 

MRS. OLESON. Artistic! 

10 



MRS. FURMAN. Oh! How kind of you to say that! But you 
know I could never have anything to compare with the lovely 
lawn parties you give or the yachting trips of Mrs. Kleberg and 
Mrs. Truebelle. 

MRS. KLEBERG. All the same, you are making a better 
showing than anyone else who has come among us in the same 
length of time. At this rate you will soon be setting us all a pace, 

MRS. FURMAN. But you know I never could hope to do that 
because — because— well, you know, our funds are limited. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. And your husband just made partner 
of the most prosperous man in the city? 

MRS. FURMAN. I keep forgetting that! And is Mr. Oxford 
as famous as that, Leonard, dear? What does he look like? I 
want to see him. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Well, dears, we must be going, if we 
expect to get thru in time for lunch. Good day, Mr. Furman. 
Pleasant morning. 

FURMAN. Thank you. Good morning. (Waving) Bye bye. 
tootsie. Get whatever you want. (Exit ladies, left. 

(Furman seats himself at desk at right and works. Presently 
phone rings and he answers.) 

FURMAN. Oxford's office, Furman speaking. Yes, this is 
Leonard Furman. Oh, the florist. **** For flowers — what flowers? 
" ""** Oh, I see. I suppose they're for this afternoon. **'"what's the, 
,,4;.,;.,. $45 00? **** Uhuh, sure, it's all right, if Mrs. Furman 
ordered them. Just send them around and send me the bill — next 
week. **** Well, you see, I'm thinking of leaving — ah — on the 
next train, and will not likely be back for a few days. Who am I? 
Why I am T. L. OXFORD'S NEW PARTNER! **** Oh, that's all 
right, no trouble at all. Good bye. (Hangs up receiver and sighs 
deeply.) 

(Enter Oxford left. He goes to putting letters and papers in 
case as tho preparing to leave.) 

OXFORD. Any new business? 

FURMAN. No. 

OXFORD. Hadn't the ladies who just entered the elevator 
been in? Mrs. Truebelle, Mrs. — 

FURMAN. (Proudly) Oh, they were just in with my wife 
for a moment's call. 

OXFORD. Uhuh. I'd think social obligations 'ud be pretty 
stiff with that set. Joyriding, yachting, parties, swell gowns, at 
present prices! (Whistles) 

11 



FURMAN. (As tho reciting.) But you know one must live, 
and wear elotJies. 

0X1<'0KD. Uhuh. They MUST wear clothes, all right. But 
judging by the size of each, the bills cover more space than 
some of the modern dresses! You'd better have taken my advice 
and let 'em alone. Where's Poyner? 

FURMAN. He's gone away to take those letters. He spoke 
something about being with a girl while he was — 

OXFORD. Oh, darn ! He'll be expecting a raise in salary next 
to help keep up HIS wife! Oh, by the way, Leonard, about that 
little affair with Mr. Worthmore. When 1 presented you as my 
new partner — of course you understood — 

FURMAN. No, I don't understand it altogether. I thank you 
very much for your kindness, but I think we'd better have a full 
understanding at the beginning. Will our income be — divided — ah 
— equally — 

OXi^'ORD, OUR income, thunderation! I thought you'd know 
that this partnership business was a fake, for that case only, just 
to please that hot-headed Worthmore. And in reality your rela- 
tion with me will be just the same as before. Understand? 

FURMAN. (Almost overcome, reaches awkwardly behind 
him for support of table.) And I'll still be on a salary — 

OXFORD. As before, Leonard, the same salary as before. 
(Leaves abruptly, left, bag in hand) 

(Furman staggers to chair at right and sinks into it, staring. 
Phone rings and he takes down receiver.) 

FURMAN. Oxford and Furman's— Oxford's office. *** This 
is Mr. Furman speaking. ""*""* What milliner? *** What's the 
amount? **** Well, mail me a statement. ***- But I won't be in 
this afternoon. **** Yes, I know it's past due, but I've been so 
busy. **** I won't have time to mail you a check.^I'm leaving on 
this next train, besides — ^^^"-^ Yes, on this next train, I think. 
Just mail it — next week! (Returning receiver to hook and looking 
dazed) 

(Enter Poyner left. He removes coat and places it on chair 
at desk at left, then sits and begins work.) 

POYNER. Boss been in? 

FURMAN. Yes. (Staring off right) 

POYNER. In again, out again, eh? 

FURMAN. Uhuh. 

POYNER. Gettin' pretty spry in his old age, isn't he? 

FURMAN. Uhuh. 

POYNER. Did he stack up a lot of work for us? 

12 



FURMAN. Nah. (Thumping on desk with knuckles.) 

POYNER. Anything doin', good or bad? 

FURMAN. Nah. 

POYNER. What's eatin' on you? Boss been aching about 
anything? 

FURMAN. Mr. Poyner, our employer is, I feel quite sure, 
displeased that you give so much time to the ladies. 

POYNER. Humph! He'd better get him some old fossil who 
is too feeble to go out with them, then — or, perhaps, ANOTHER 
MARRIED MAN! 

FURMAN. Again I should say, Mr. Poyner, you ought to get 
married. Your present relations with the girls will only mean 
time, expense and worry to you. 

(Phone at center rings, and Poyner answers.) 

POYNER. Oxford's office. ***^- Yes, he's here. Mr. Furman, 
your WIFE wants to speak to you. 

FURMAN. Thank you. (At phone trying not to let P. hear) 
Yes, dearie. *** Rugs? Why, aren't the ones we have all right? 
**** Oh, to match the new piano? Then we'd better not get the 
piano. ***Already sent? *** Well, we'll just have to make out 
with them any way, because we can't afford — **** Well, you see, 
that partnershp didn't mean just what I thought it would **** 
Now, listen, pet, we just must begin to try to save ***What? *** 
uhuh *** yes *** but pet — *** Oh, yes, sure — *** uhuh — Oh, 
don't think that! don't say that about me. You know I — **** 
Well, can't we make out with one? ""***0h, yes, for the guest 
room ***uhuh *** yes, but — but you see *** uhuh ***yes, but 
precious ***uhuh *** all right, now say something sweet **** 
thank you. Good bye, tootsie. 
POYNER. Ahem!!! Ahem!!! 

(Phone at desk at right rings and Furman, seated, answers.) 
FURMAN. Mr. Furman speaking *** Yes, Mrs. Ives? **** 
I prefer that you present that statement next week sometime. I 
am very busy just now. *** Yes, I know it will just take a minute 
but I can't spare the minute. **** Well, you needn't call this 
afternoon, for I'll likely be out of town. *** Be away several 
days. *** It is not my custom to mail out checks. *** Well, go 
ahead and make them for her. You'll get your money, all right. 
**** But Mrs. Ives, that bill didn't come to my attention until to- 
day or it would have been paid. *** Yes *** well **** 
(Phone at table, center, rings and Poyner answers.) 
POYNER. Hello. **** All right. (To Fuman) Your cheerful, 
helpful, saving little wife wants to speak to you, 

13 



FURMAN. Yes, Mrs. Ives. **** (To Poyner) Tell her to call 
again in a few minutes. *** But, Mrs. Ives, it is such a small 
amount, why should you worry? 

POYNER (Holding phone toward Furman) She says it's very 
important. (Gives phone, then sits left, gradually turning and 
staring at Furman) 

FURMAN. (Still holding right phone in right hand and its 
receiver to his left ear, pushes his chair back and puts phone on 
each knee, the receiver of the phone at left in his right hand to 
his right ear, receiver cords crossed in front of his face. As he 
talks into one phone he tries to cover mouthpiece of other. In 
left phone) Yes, precious *** Can't we borrow that? Surely some 
of our neighbors have punch bowls. (To right phone) I would, 
only I tell you I just can't get to it. (To left phone) I know they 
don't borrow, but you could tell them you forgot to get one till 
too late. *** (Right phone) But Mrs. Ives **** (Gets phones 
mixed. To phone right) Now, listen, sweetness *** (To left 
phone) I don't care to take more time in discussing this. *** (To 
phone right) Good gracious, I'm not trying to get fresh with you! 
(To left phone) Oh, darling, don't say that about me. You know 
I'm not brutal to you — you *** (To phone right) You can have 
anything you want, precious. (To phone left) I'm not trying to 
start anything with you, but I positively will not consider the 
matter now *** (To phone right) Now, Tootsie, of course you 
can have it if you want it *** (Sees he has phones mixed, chang- 
es receivers. In phone left) Listen, darling, let me explain. I — 
(To phone right) I owe you an explanation. I thought I was talk- 
ing to my wife ***•'•■■ (In phone left) Tootsie, I thought I was 
talking to Mrs. Ives **'•■ (Both phones at mouth at same time") 
Yes, you're right. I am crazy as a loon! (Puts receiver of each 
phone to transmitter of other) Rage, foul fiends, RAGE!!! (Tears 
his hair) 

(Poyner laughs heartily) 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

(Sitting room of Furman's home. Usual furniture of modern 
home. The guests present for the little party are Mesdames Kle- 
berg and Truebelle, Dr. Wysong, and Kitty. Others may be used 
if it is felt advisable.) 

14 



MRS. FURMAN. Oh, why don't they come on? I know it is 
going to be a failure. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Now, don't be impationt, dear It is 
just a characteristic of our modern life that everyone is too busy 
to heed all the demands made upon his time. 

MRS. FURMAN. But it seems that they could have given 
just a few minutes' time to my party — I know they could. They're 
just staying away because they think I — 

MRS. KLEBERG. My dear Mrs. Furman! you are coming 
to the wrong conclusion! You are nervous because this is your 
first little affair among us. 

MRS. FURMAN. No, they are not coming, or else they're 
going to be late only to show contempt for me because we — 

KITTY. Don't worry, please. I shall have othc^v opportunities 
to meet them. We'll be going out with them many times. 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, if they do not come on time this after- 
noon I shall never try to have another thing! 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Please don't worry. Maybe they will all 
be here in plenty of time. It is only two minutes late of the time 
set. Then, if they do not come at all — 

MRS. FURMAN. They have not called me and explained, or 
anything. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. If you don't hear from them at all, what 
of it? It is just as I tell you: people are so rushed they cannot 
meet all obligations. Am I not right. Dr. Wysong? 

DR. WYSONG. Quite right, ladies. It is about getting to 
where a fellow feels that he hasn't time to lie down before it is 
time to get up; to get up before it is time to retire; to go to work 
before it is time to go home; to kiss his girl before she's an old 
maid; to quarrel with his wife before it is time to make up 
again, or to brush his hair before it is all gone. 

*T just haven't the time," is the common excuse 

Of the modern man of today. 
For our every fault it is put into use. 

And it never falls by the way. 

If you ask the young lad with the tousled up hair 
And the dirt on his hands and his face 

And the soiled pantaloons with their huge, gaping tear 
Which was made as he slid to a base — 

If you ask him, I say, as he comes to his lunch, 

Why he didn't remove all the grime, , 

15 



He will only just grin as he gives you this hunch: 
"Well, I would, but 1 didn't have time." 

When you happen to meet on your way home from church 

Some good brother whose pew was not filled, 
And you see as you pass, and his car gives a lurch. 

Some nice fish in the rear seat are spilled. 
And you ask him next day why he didn't come out, 

He replies — Oh! is lying a crime! — 
That he would have been found with the faithful few. 

But he simply hadn't the time. 

We just haven't the time for reading the news 

Or for keeping ourselves uptodate. 
And we haven't the time for having the blues 

Or for worrying over our fate; 
We just haven't the time to spend with our friends. 

Or to know our own families; 
To enjoy the warmth their society lends 

In harmonious sympathies. 

We have come to consider our business a bore 

And production the other man's care. 
We're consuming today as never before. 

And producing less than our share. 
And I think that we'll say with our last dying breath — 

Oh, then may the peace-bells chime! — 
That we should have considered preparing for death. 

But we simply hadn't the time. 

KITTY. Still poetic as ever, I see. Doctor Wysong. 

MRS. FURMAN. Why, Kitty, I didn't know that you and 
Doctor Wysong had met before. You didn't tell me when I pre- 
sented you today. 

KITTY. Oh, yes he and I were in high school together. He 
was our class poet. But here come some more of your tardy 
guests. 

(Mrs. Furman goes to left and admits Mrs. Oleson and Mrs. 
Worthmore.) 

MRS. FURMAN. Mrs. Oleson, meet my friend. Miss Kitty 
Sheppard. 

MRS. OLESON. Charmed to meet you, Miss Sheppard. 

16 



KITTY. Thank you. The pleasure is mutual. 

MRS. FURMAN. And, Kitty, meet Mrs. Worthmorc. 

KITTY. How do you do, Mrs. Worthmore. 

MRS. WORTHMORE. I'm delighted to know you. 

MRS. OLESON. Dr. Wysong, knowing your dislike for mar- 
ried folks, I am surprised to see you the only male member of the 
group of this kind. 

DR. WYSONG. Don't rub it in, please. I've just been sitting 
here cussing my luck and planning how I would get it back on 
those fellows who have left me to hold the sack today — Ah, I 
mean, I have just been congratulating myself on having found 
such a delightful group of ladies. 

KITTY. Cynical, yet gallant as ever, I see, Clyde— Dr. 
Wysong. 

MRS. FURMAN. If you keep on I'm going to think you and 
Doctor Wysong are VERY well acquainted. You see, at Mrs. 
Worthmore's suggestion I invited Dr. Wysong over to help enter- 
tain my friend, only to find that they are good friends! — so good 
that I sense a little romance. 

MRS. OLESON. How charming! 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Stunning! 

MRS. KLEBERG. Delightful! 

DR. WYSONG. (Under his breath) Yes, about as stunning as 
a German gas attack. 

MRS. FURMAN. I beg your pardon, Doctor, I did not under- 
stand. 

DR. WYSONG. I thank you, ladies, for your kind wishes, and 
especially for your INTEREST. 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, everything is so distressing! Some of 
our guests not coming; our piano not yet arrived so that we can 
enjoy Miss Sheppard's singing; then, my husband not here! 

MRS. KLEBERG. I'm sure your husband must be very busy 
indeed. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. He must be completely submerged in 

work. 

(Maid appears center.) 

MAID. Doctor Wysong wanted at the phone. 

DOCTOR WYSONG. Excuse me, please. (Exit center with 

maid) 

MRS. OLESON. Yes, I should think he would be busy, 
having been made the partner of a man like Judge Oxford, and 
having all the business left on his hands the first day! 

MRS FURMAN. Oh, Leonard is used to that. He very often 

17 



lias charge of everything while Mr. Oxford is away. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. He's competent to handle it if anyone 
is. He's the shrewdest young lawyer in the state. 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, thank you ! You are so kind to me. 

(Enter Leonard left. He is completely worn out and dazed) 
' LEONARD. Good evening, everybody. 

MRS. KLEBERG. Good afternoon, Mr. Furman. 

MRS. FURMAN. You are late, Leonard, dear. 

MRS. OLESON. Yes, you are neglecting your social life for 
your increasing business. That's just the way with our American 
men! 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. We were just discussing your wonderful 
success! 

FURMAN. Yes, it blew both fuses. 

MRS. OLESON. What fuses? 

FURMAN. Telephone; almost melted the wire. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Observe how modest he is— trying to 
put us on the wrong track! 

MRS. OLESON, You must tell us all about your plans; we're 
so proud for you ! 

MRS. FURMAN. Let's just wait and he can tell us while we 
are having punch together. We'll go as soon as Doctor is thru 
phoning. 

KITTY. You folks just go ahead. I'll wait for him. 

MRS. KLEBERG. (Winking at others) Oh; how kind of you, 
Miss Sheppard; surely, we will leave you ALONE! 

KITTY. Now, Mrs. Kleberg! 

(Exit all but Kitty, left. She goes to left front and toys with 
flower in vase. Enter Dr. Wysong center. He goes toward her, but 
stops at center with arms folded.) 

DOCTOR. Well, Kitty, where are the old hens? 

KITTY. I want to have a talk with you, Clyde. Why are you 
bitter against these women? Are you that way about all of them, 
or just married ones? 

DOCTOR. They're a pretty bad lot, Kit. I haven't anything 
to say against a woman who is domestic enough to make a home 
and raise a family. But it has got to where so many of them 
spend their time in idle foppery, doing nothing — pure parasites, 
living on their husbands' incomes, earned many times by over- 
work and overstrain. I tell you, the self-indulgence of such 
painted parasites is the greatest factor in bringing Bolshevism. 

KITTY. And what have you to say about the unmarried? 

DOCTOR. Oh, they'll all likely fall in with the rest. 

18 



KITTY. I am very sorry, Clyde, to see you grown so C3rnical 
toward the fairer sex. There is good in all this which you do 
not see. 

DOCTOR. You are right. If it is there, I DON'T SEE IT. 

KITTY. These women you so strongly condemn are really 
doing a great service. They are creating a society which meets 
the demands of those whose lives are crowded together — and 
they are no more artificial than the circumstances of their lives 
have made them. 

DOCTOR. I must confess that I have never been able to 
see it. 

KITTY. No, because you look only upon the arificial exterior, 
and do not see the warm blood coursing beneath. When brought 
to the vital test, they are over flowing with loving-kindness and 
the instinct of womanhood is warm beneath. 

DOCTOR. Been studying law, Kit? 

KITTY. No. Why? 

DOCTOR. Thought you were PRACTICING law the way you 
defended that case. 

KITTY. I see you do not take my words seriously, so we will 
join the others — 

DOCTOR. Just one word, Kitty. I am taking this seriously 
insofar as you are concerned. It is a wholesome person who can 
see a great deal of good in others. 

KITTY. I wish you would do so! I never thought you would 
be narrow about anything, Clyde. We are always judging other 
people's ways by our own standards. That society which is less 
formal than what we are accustomed to is crude; that which is 
more formal we call artificial, foppish. Each person is his own 
ideal. Take the matter of dress: if one dresses more cheaply than 
we, he is a rube; if one dresses more expensively, we call him 
wasteful, self-centered, dudish. (Pause) What got you started in 
this way of looking at things, Clyde? 

DOCTOR. I'm sure it would not interest you. Let's dismiss 
the subject. 

KITTY. No. I'm interested. I insist. Please tell me, for old 
times' sake. 

DOCTOR. It was in the old time that it occurred. You, your- 
self, were the one who taught me the shallowness of a giM's 
heart. Of course, our youthful pledge meant little to you. But 
when I stood at the place where we had planned to have our 
last good bye before you went away, only to have you drive by 

19 



without stopping and laugh in my face — but, what's the use? 
(Enter Bessir, left, pushing nice piano, followed by others.) 

MAID. Yes, right there in the corner to the left. There, that 
will do. 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, thank goodness, it has come at last! 
(Exit maid, right) Now, Kitty, we'll forgive you for not joining 
us at punch if you will favor us with one of those lovely solos. 

BESSIR. (At extreme left, holding out his hand to Furman, 
who is standing next to him) The first check on the piano. Can 
I see Mr. Furman? 

FURMAN. (Dazedly) Yes, my dear sir. You see him now, 
front view. Now, (turning sidewise) profile. (Turning his back 
and starting off right) now, rear view. Good day — 

MRS. WORTHMORE. (Reaching his side) Mr. Furman, I 
want to speak a word with you. (They sit at right front. Kitty 
and Dr. Wysong join others at left rear and they all converse in 
low tones. Bessir crosses over and holds hand in front of Fur- 
man's face. He tries not to notice it.) I hate to talk business 
with you at this time, but you seem so busy that it seems to be 
my only chance. I have a very important case, and it appears j 
that you are the one most capable of handling it. When can 1 1 
have an interview with you ? I 

FURMAN. I don't know how long Mr. Oxford will be away — | 

MRS. WORTH. But I want you to handle it right away. Ij 
was afraid you'd be too busy ! May I not have an interview with i 
you soon — this evening? I 

FURMAN. (Remembering, and assuming dignified pose) Yes. \ 
Be over at five-thirty. I 

MRS. WORTH. Oh, thank you! i, 

MRS. FURMAN. Now we will be favored with a song by 1] 
Kitty. Ij 

KITTY. (Either she or another plays the piano while she j' 
sings. This song is sung to the tune of the chorus of "Love's Old 
Sweet Song") 



I had long adored you as one enthroned afar, 
Beaming silver brightly on me like a star 
'Till you passed men when you thought I did not see; 
And you smiled and kissed your (sweet) little hand to me. 

Just this page from mem'ry when my end is near 
Will of all life's treasures seem to me most dear; 

20 



Though the end be lonely and no friends are nigh, 
Still, for this page only will my soul (yet) cry. 

ALL. (Clapping hands) Fine! 

MRS. FURMAN. Your voice grows sweeter every day, Kitty! 

KITTY. Thank you. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. And what a pretty song! 

MRS. OLESON. Such pleasing sentiment. 

MRS. KLEBERG. So delicate! 

BESSIR. (Who has been holding out his hand to Furman 
for money) Now, will you kindly settle for the first payment on 
dot piano? 

FURMAN, Call at my office tomorrow— 

BESSIR. Himmel no! I come mit dot piano for my money 
and I go not away till I get it. 

(Others seem embarrassed. Furman is distrait.) 

FURMAN. I haven't got my check book. See me later. 

BESSIR. I got all kinds of checks. Vot kind you want? 

MRS. FURMAN. (Almost fainting) Why, ^Leonard, pleasa 
hurry and give him a check and let's close this oppressive inter- 
view. 

FURMAN. But, darling, I can't— 

BESSIR. Himmel! Vy have it sent over, then? I must take it 
back to my store at once! 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, Leonard! (Starts to rise hurriedly, and 
swoons with a cultured little scream.) 

FURMAN. Oh, Tootsie! Dr. Wysong, treat her at once! 
Hurry ! 

DOCTOR. Some water. (Maid brings it and he bathes her 
face.) 

FURMAN. (Feeling in his vest pocket finds the check 
received from Mrs. Moore) How much is that payment? 

BESSIR. Fifty dollars down. 

FURMAN. (Handing check) Here! Now, (Holding open door, 
left) please. Good day! 

MRS. FURMAN. (Recovering in time to see Furman hand 
check) Leonard! You really had the money- all the time? 

FURMAN. Why — ah — of course, Tootsie. Just a mere trifle. 

MRS. FURMAN. And you had it all the time and just did 
that to disgrace me! (The same little scream) 

DOCTOR. Let me keep her quiet for a few moments and 
she'll be all right. (Assists her out, right) 

MRS. OLESON. We must be going, really! We've had such 
a delightful time, Mr. Furman. 

21 



MRS. TRUEBELLE. Yes! And we hope your wife soon 
recovers. 

MRS. KLEBERG. A lovely afternoon, Mr. Furman! Good day. 

FURMAN. Good day! (Exit all three, left) 

MRS. WORTHMORE. I have had a wonderful day, Mr. Fur- 
man. And you may look for me at your office at five-thirty this 
evening. Good day. (Exit left. Furman exits right, hurriedly.). 

(Kitty sits at piano, left, and plays and sings softly the song 
given above. Presently Dr. Wysong enters from right. He hears 
the song through) 

DOCTOR. Do you remember where you got the words for 
that song? 

KITTY. Yes. They were written by you — I suppose in an idle 
moment — the day before school closed — the last school we 
attended together. 

DOCTOR. And you remembered them all this time? 

KITTY. Yes. I know they meant nothing to you, but my heart 
has cherished them, somehow. 

DOCTOR. Of course, you were innocent as a lamb when you 
laughed my youthful love to scorn, weren't you? But, of course, 
you had an excuse. 

KITTY, Yes, I had an excuse. I'm sure you do not care to 
hear it, but I believe it will cause you to think more kindly of 
women in general if you do listen to my story. (She plays softly 
as she speaks. Lights are turned low) Until the day before we 
went away six years ago I did not know why we were leaving. I 
was looking forward with anticipation to my last meeting with 
you as we had planned, when my mother came to me while I was 
reading your last sweet letter and told me that we were leaving 
our old home forever; that we had just lost everything we had; 
that, as I knew, my father's health was failing and she and I 
must support and care for him. She said that as they had been 
in the old home a long time, their pride would not let them speak 
to anyone about our misfortune and that we were leaving without 
explanation, even to our closest friends. I knew that you and I 
could never realize our dreams, but I knew, also, that if I told 
you our secret you would wait for me and happiness would never 
come to you. So I chose rather to have you think me fickle than 
to deprive you of happiness through your faithfulness to me. 

DOCTOR. Kitty, I— 

KITTY, At times it has been pretty hard. Mother was kept 
in all the time by father's bedside while I went to College in the 
mornings and worked for our sustenance in the afternoons and 

22 



evenings. Father lasted only a year, but the next year mother 
was taken ill and I finished my education chiefly by studying at 
home. Mother knew of our relations and she begged me to explain 
ajl to you; leave her with friends and come to you. But I would 
not listen to her. 

DOCTOR. Kitty, why didn't you let me know of this. Why 
did you have me thinking of you as I have all these years? 

KITTY. (As though not hearing) Just a year ago today she 
passed away. She smiled as she bade me good bye and said: 
"I am happy, now, my daughter, for I know that you will go to 
him and explain all and be happy. Go, now my darling, as I go 
to meet your father." (Pause) Being with and seeing so much 
suffering has tinged my life with sadness, so that I feel that I 
am no longer pleasing to the friends I made in earlier years. Yet, 
during all the time, the words which I just sang have rung in 
my heart and burst from my very soul in song, and, in singing 
them my pent up soul found outlet **** They didn't mean so 
much to you — 

DOCTOR. My God, Kitty! Didn't mean much to me!— (Tak- 
ing her in his arms) My broken little flower, come to the arms 
that have longed all these years to feel your presence, within 
their clasp! 

KITTY. Sh-h-h-h! They're coming! (They exit left) 

MRS. FURMAN. (Off right) Now Leonard you— Oh, be 
careful! (They enter right. He is supporting her and assists her 
to seat at right.) You will have to be mighty good to me now, 
Leonard. Doctor Wysong says it's my nerves and that any shock 
or disturbance may prove fatal. 

FURMAN. Yes, Tootsie. Don't Worry. Of course I'll be 
good to my little wifey. 

MRS. FURMAN. (Affectedly) Oh, Leonard! how could you 
have such little feeling? You did that just to humiliate me! 

FURMAN. Oh, no, Tootsie! Don't think that of me! You 
know I didn't — you know I'm not that heartless — 

MRS. FURMAN. (Sighing deeply) I guess I'll live over it. 
Where are all the guests? 

FURMAN. They have all gone, thank God! 

Mre. FURMAN. What's that? Oh! Is that the way you feel 
about your little wife's friends? 

FURMAN. I didn't mean that. I meant — well, they said that 
they were sorry to go, but it was growing late — and they wished 
you might get all right soon. 

23 



MRS. FURMAN. You see! I almost collapsed again. You are 
going to have to be very good to me now. 

FURMAN. Yes, Tootsie. We'll keep everything so quiet — 
won't have anything to disturb or shock you. We'll just stay at 
home and take good care of you. 

MRS. FUURMAN. Oh! that would ruin my nerves com- 
pletely! I must have diversion. We must have excursions, boat- 
ing trips, and car drives to the country. We'll have to go to the 
country for the summer now, like the Klebergs and Olesons do. 

FURMAN. But, Tootsie! Where will we get the money for 
all that? Don't you think we had better begin to try to save a 
little ? 

MRS. FURMAN. (Peevishly) Now, Leonard, I expected you 
to do just like all other men — go and get selfish. If I had a little 
wife who was suffering so much with her nerves, I'm sure I'd see 
that she had everything possible to help her. 

FURMAN. But we haven't the — where will we get the 
money ? 

MRS. FURMAN. Where will we get the money, indeed! You 
just made the partner of the most prosperous man in the city! 

FURMAN. But, you see, Tootsie, that partnership didn't 
mean exactly — 

MRS. FURMAN. (Excitedly) Oh, don't go to putting up so 
many excuses, please! It won't be necessary. (Sighing resignedly) 
Well, that's all right. Just let it go, and don't think any more 
about it. I'll just stay here all cooped up at home like you want 
me to, and not ever go in society again, and maybe — and then — 
I'll — (crying) then the end will come soon and you won't have 
me for a burden any more — 

FURMAN. (Interrupting by falling on his knees) Now, 
Tootsie, dearie, don't talk that way! Oh, please don't! Don't look 
that way! Don't think that about me! You know I'm not that 
way! (Petting her) Of course my uittle Tootsums can have any- 
thing her wants. Her can have all the trips on the water and 
joyrides and trips to the mountains her wants— just anything, 
only please give her old, mean, ugly, hateful, selfish, cruel hubby 
one little smile! 

CURTAIN 

ACT III. 

(Oxford's office as in act I. Poyner, seated at his desk, at 
left, at work. Enter Furman, left.) 

24 



POYNER. Been out larking, have you? 

FURMAN. (Slumps into seat at right) Uhuh. 

POYNER. This society business is taking quite a bit of your 
time, even if you are an old married head. 

FURMAN. Uhuh. 

POYNER. Well, twenty minutes until five o'clock. Then it's 
me for home! 

FURMAN. Work with your eye on the clock, don't you, Mr. 
Poyner? 

POYNER. Yep. I'm paid for eight hours per day and I work 
that much and quit. 

FURMAN, If you had a word half finished when you were 
writing on the typewriter at the time the clock struck, I believe 
you'd wait until the next day to finish it. 

POYNER. Exactly. And I'm sure your eagle eye has discov- 
ered another thing about me: If I am in my chair at one minute 
till eight in the morning, I wait until she's straight up before 
I begin work. Now, here you are, planning to work several hours 
overtime as you usually do, and what will it bring you? Not one 
cent more, and not even the appreciation of the boss. 

FURMAN. I'm sure that Mr. Oxford, our employer, appre- 
ciates fully everything we do for him, even though he does not 
often have time to express himself toward us. 

POYNER. Doesn't have TIME to express it? Why, it doesn't 
take one second more time to write a check for two hundred than 
it does to write one for one hundred dollars. I don't give a darn 
for his TELLING me that he appreciates me. A bigger check is 
all the expression I want. 

FURMAN. I'm sure you'll not get it soon unless you show 
yourself willing to earn more. The trouble with people today is 
that they are all wanting to increase their income without en- 
larging their earning capacity. 

POYNER. Humph! It's a cinch that if I began working over- 
time on my present salary, the boss 'ud never raise me a cent. 
He's no fool, and why should he raise me, if he can get all I can 
do for the amount he is now paying me? 

FURMAN. (Taking papers from desk and putting on his hat) 
If a lady calls for me, please tell her to wait. 

POYNER. My dear Mr. Furman! (Mimicking Leonard) I'm 
sure you are giving too much time to the ladies! 

FURMAN. (Not heeding) Tell her that I shall be back soon. 
(Exit left. Poyner looks over papers and whistles. He finds an 

25 



interesting one and leans back, putting his feet upon a chair or 
his desk. He tilts his cigar so that the burning end almost touch- 
es his nose. Enter Mesdames Furman, Truebelle, Oleson, and 
Kleberg, left) 

MRS. FURMAN. (Grandiloquently) Have seats, ladies. We 
shall have to wait awhile on Leonard, I suppose. He's so busy. 

MRS. KLEBERG. He. must be, handling such a large busi- 
ness, and alone at that! 

MRS. FURMAN. (To Poyner, haughtily) I'm Mrs. Furman. 
Will your employer be in again soon? 

POYNER. (Not looking up) Nope. Out of town. 

MRS. FURMAN. What a rude fellow! I shall have Leonard 
discharge him unless he improves his manners. (Poyner makes 
grimaces.) 

MRS. OLESON. I should think so, or at least teach him some 
courtesy ! 

MRS. FURMAN. You say he's out of town? 

POYNER. (Snarling) Yep. 

MRS. FURMAN. Why, he must have been called away very 
suddenly, or else he would have phoned me. (To Poyner) Did he 
leave any word here for me? 

POYNER. Not on your tintype! The boss ain't strong on the 
ladies, especially the other fellow's worser half. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Why! How strangely he talks! 

MRS. KLEBERG. Crude, indeed! 

(Poyner groans) 

MRS. FURMAN. I do hope he hasn't gone far and will be 
back on the next train. This will interfere so much with our 
plans. And we must have everything in readiness to start 
tomorrow. 

MRS. OLESON. Yes. There is a storm predicted for the last 
of the week. And the last time we cruised across the bay for an 
outing we were caught in a pretty bad one. It isn't very pleasant, 
I tell you ! 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, it must be a success! It must! But we 
shall just have to see Leonard and have him attend to the char- 
tering of the yacht this afternoon and then get supplies and 
things. 

MRS. OLESON. I happened to think soon after you phoned 
me about it, that your husband wouldn't likely have time to ar- 
range for accommodations for us at the beach; so I had Mr. 
Oleson do it. And that part of it is attended to already. 

26 



MRS. FURMAN. How kind of yout You are so thoughtful! 
Oh, I'm so anxious! We simply cannot fail to give such kind and 
thoughtful friends an outing worth while! 

POYNER. Ahem! AHEM! Beg pardon, ladies, but can I do 
anything for you? 

MRS. FURMAN. (Haughtily) Why, yes— ah— you might get 
us some ice water. Aren't you folks thirsty? 

POYNER. The fountain's out in the hall. Step out and help 
yourselves. (Goes on with work) 

MRS. OLESON. So very impolite! 

MRS. KLEBERG. Why does your husband keep such a man? 

MRS. FURMAN. Well, you see, he hasn't had time to make 
any changes. And maybe he hates to be hard on the poor fellow. 
(Poyner tears his hair) Sir, can you give us any idea as to how 
long Mr. Furman will be away? 

POYNER. Oh! You wanted that poor shrimp, did you? I 
guess he'll be back any minute. He said he was expecting — 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, he thought I might come! He was look- 
ing for me, the darling! 

POYNER. (Growling) Well, naw, he said a LADY might 
come to see him, but he didn't say anything about a whole flock 
of hens! — ah — I beg your pardon! I think he's expecting to see 
a lady here soon, so I suspect he will be here shortly. (Works.) 

(Enter Oxford hurriedly, left. He has on hat and carries a 
little traveling bag.) 

OXFORD. Good evening, ladies! Poyner, where are those 
papers we drew up this morning? 

POYNER. Why, I thought you'd gone! 

OXFORD. (Impatiently) No. I decided not to go until this 
next train. But no time for explanations. Where are those 
papers. 

POYNER. Can't say, I'm sure. (Turning to desk and prepar- 
ing to leave.) 

(Oxford goes to desk at right and searches through it. Then 
to table, center, scattering its contents right and left and mum- 
bling. Poyner calmly puts on gloves and prepares to go.) 

POYNER. (At door, left) Come to think of it, Leonard had 
those papers last time I noticed them this morning just before he 
went out, and likely as not he put 'em in his pocket. (Exit left, 
closing door after him.) 

OXFORD. Oh, hell! And where's Leonard? (Runs around, 
looking in the same place over again.) 

MRS. OLESON. What an abrupt man! Who is he? 

27 



MRS. FURMAN. Can't say. Must be one of Leonard's clients. 
But — ah — we haven't decided yet how long we can stay away on 
our outing. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Well, if that storm comes as predicted 
we can't be gone more than eight days. 

MRS. FURMAN, I do wish we could think of something to 
do besides rowing, swimming, cruising and dancing to give more 
diversion. 

MRS. KLEBERG. Oh, I'll tell you dearie! If you could only 
stand the expense — get Beidler's Symphony Orchestra! ) 

MRS. OLESON. Charming! If you only could! We've never 
done that! With that orchestra you'd have the swellest thing this 
city has had in some time. So appropriate for your first little 
venture ! 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Oh, do that! You must! 
MRS. FURMAN. But the expense! Is it an awful lot? 
MRS. TRUEBELLE. 0, you can! It would add so much to 
your social prestige — and your husband's show of success. You 
must! 

OXFORD. (Still rummaging) Ladies, could you tell me 
where Leonard is? 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, you mean Mr. Furman! (Haughtily) 
He's out just now — just have a seat. He'll be here presently, I 
suppose. He's very busy. 

OXFORD. But I must see him at once! Can you tell me 
where he's gone ? 

MRS. FURMAN. Indeed, no! Don't be so impatient. Just have 
a seat. I'm sure you are not the only one who will be anxious to 
see him. 

OXFORD. Hmmm. Is THAT so! 

MRS. FURMAN. Yes. And you'll likely have to wait quite a 
bit to talk to him after he he gets back, he'll be so busy. (Turn- 
ing to others) Now, you know, dears, I've a notion to try to do 
that, but I'll have to speak to Leonard first. 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. That's just like the newly rich! But 
pretty soon you'll be making obligations like that without so 
much as giving him a thought. 

OXFORD. (In a frenzy) Excuse me ladies, for interrupting 
this pink tea talk, for I've got to make a train. Did that fathead 
— did Leonard DEAR leave any word as to his whereabouts or 
anything? 

MRS. FURMAN. Why, no. He only left word with the young 

28 



man that he was expecting a lady here soon — 

OXFORD. Well, he seems to have got a whole parlor full of 
'em! (Looks at his watch) Great Caesar! I've got to find those 
papers! Wonder if he could have put therti into the vault? (Exit 
right back) 

MRS. OLESON. What a disagreeable man! 

MRS. FURMAN. Yes. That's the objection to Leonard's doing 
this kind of work. He has to deal with such rough, uncouth men! 

(Enter Kitty and Wysong, left) 

KITTY. Oh, here you are, folks ! I've a surprise for you. You 
were right about Clyde — ah — Dr. Wysong and me **** 

MRS. FURMAN. Engaged! Oh, Kitty! Is it true? 

KITTY. Yes. We're so happy! 

ALL. Congratulations, Doctor, and best wishes, Kitty! 

MRS. FURMAN. Isn't this just lovely — too lovely for any- 
thing? 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. Oh, I know! How appropriate for our 
little outing to be in honor of their wed — 

MRS. FURMAN. You are always such a resourceful woman! 
How kind of you to suggest it! The very thing! 

(Enter Leonard, left. His wife rushes to him and throws her 
arms about his neck.) 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, Leonard, darling, let me tell you the 
news! Kitty and Doctor Wysong are going to be married, and we 
are planning a little trip for them. We're going to take all these 
folks out for a week's outing in the "Princess"! You must ar- 
range about the chartering of it right away. Mrs. Oleson has had 
Mr. Oleson see about our accommodations at the beach hotel 
already (Leonard gradually sinks down, knees quaking) And, 
darling, we have a chance of putting on one of the swellest 
things of the season, if you'll only agree to getting Beidler's 
Symphony Orchestra! 

FURMAN. Heavens ! Do you know what it costs to take that 
orchestra out for a week? Why, Tootsie, at the rate that orches- 
tra charges, we couldn't aiford to hear them blow one note! 

MRS. FURMAN, And you mean to say you won't get it? 

FURMAN. No. And another thing: We couldn't even rent 
water wings to float across that bay, let alone — 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, Leonard! My heart! Oh, you know what 
the doctor said! Oh, I feel it coming on again! (Trying to col- 
lapse) Would you have your little wife — are you going to be so 
brutal — 

29 



FURMAN. Oh, Tootsie! For God's sake dpn't look that way! 
You know I'm not brutal to my little Tootsums — don't ever use 
that word again! You know I'm not that way! 

MRS. FURMAN. No, we'll just tell them that we can't afford 
to return their favors, and then I'll go coop myself up at home 
and never go out or have any diversions or anything, and then, 
and — then — soon you won't have any little wife to bother you — 

FURMAN. Don't! Please don't say that! Of course my little 
Tootsums can have her yachting party, of course her can have 
anything her wants! 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, you're such a darling husband! ** And 
the orchestra? 

FURMAN. (Almost insane) Yes, and the orchestra, too, of 
course. 

MRS. FURMAN. (Leading him to others) Isn't he the finest 
husband in the world ! He is only too glad to have the orchestra 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. You are to be envied, dear! This is 
going to be the most distinctive event of the year! 

(Enter Oxford from right back entrance) 

OXFORD. Ah, here you are! (To Mrs. Furman) Madam, if 
you want to have your pink tea talk, go to a parlor; if you want 
to weep please go to a cemetery. If you'll allow me a word with 
Leonard — 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, Leonard! how can you allow that man 
to insult me that way? Oh, my heart! 

FURMAN. Now, Tootsie, sweet, don't let it come on again ! 
Clyde, you please take them to the rest room and wait till I 
come. (They exit right. He assists his wife to the door.) Now, go 
in here, pet. I'll attend to him. 

MRS. FURMAN. Don't be too hard on him, dear. 

OXFORD. (In a frenzy) Now, my dear sir, if you can spare 
me a moment! I want those papers that we fixed up this morn- 
ing. I've just three minutes to make that train. Quick! 

FURMAN. (Giving papers from pocket) Just a minute, Mr, 
Oxford. You have insulted my wife, and I want — you — to — I — 
want — to — to hand in my resignation. (Voice trembles) 

OXFORD. Oh, hell! Cut out the grandstand play! Wait until 
I get back and I'll see about that. Good day! (Exit left) 

(Leonard stands a few moments dazedly looking after him; 
then goes to phone and takes down receiver) 

FURMAN. (At phone) Lamar 1732. Yes, please. *** This is 
Leonard Funnan speaking. Mr. Smith, does that life insurance 

30 



I have with your company carry double indemnity in case of 
accident? **** It does? Thank you. *** Oh, no, I just wanted to 
know. (Returns receiver; then he goes to desk and takes out 
revolver. He places it in several positions pointing the muzzle 
toward his heart as though trying to figure out a way in which 
he might shoot himself accidentally. He puts gun away, shaking 
his head. Going to left, he gets door stop, brick or piece of iron, 
places it length of his body from table at center by lying prone 
on floor. Then he gets on table and stands near edge, as though 
contemplating falling so that his head will strike the weight. 
Just as he is holding his breath and closing his eyes for the fall 
a rap sounds at door at left.) 

FURMAN. (Getting down excitedly) Come in. 

MRS. WORTHMORE. (Entering left) I'm sorry if I've kept 
you waiting. I tried to phone you, but I couldn't find your oflice 
listed in the directory. 

FURMAN. Well, you see MY oflice is not listed at all. Now, 
if you'll please state your .business. I'm — 

MRS. W. Yes, I know you're busy, and I shall therefore be 
very brief. Not long ago I married a man many years older thai^ 
myself. For a time he seemed to care for me as I did for him and 
we were very happy. However, after a few years I noticed that 
he began looking upon me with suspicion. I tried to get him to 
tell me the trouble, but he would not. He always seemed ot be 
too busy to notice me, and pre-occupied when I wanted to talk 
with him. As he was a business man, I decided that perhaps he 
thought me too impractical, and I got him to let me have quite 
a sum of money that I might show him that I had business sense 
by investing it wisely. I took my cousin, Dr. Wysong, to see 
him — 

FURMAN. Your cousin! Wysong your cousin! 

MRS. W. Certainly. Why are you so excited? 

FURMAN. Your husband did not know that he was your 
cousin, did he? 

MRS. W. Why, I don't know. I suppose not, though, foi* the 
day we went to his office he would not see us, and that night he 
asked me to leave his house; told me that he was going away, 
and requested that I apply for a divorce. 

FURMAN. Have you done so? 

MRS. W. (Tearfully) No-o, not yet. 

FURMAN. Have you tried to reconcile him? 

MRS. W. Yes. I've written dozens of letters, but they all 
came back unopened. (Sobbing and handing letters.) 

31 



FURMAN. I see. And you want to apply for a divorce? 

MRS. W. Yes, I do — since it is his wish — and — and — 

FURMAN. Do you want to ask for a division of property? 

MRS. W. Yes, I — do — I wouldn't care — I have all I need — 
only — I believe he's caring for — for some one else, an — I — 

FURMAN. You want to keep her from getting it, of course. 
How much do you want? 

MRS. W. Five hundred thousand dollars. Oh, sir, you must 
get it. I have come to you because I think you are the one most 
capable of handling the case. I'll pay you anything you want if 
you'll only get it from him — and her! I'll give you half of it — I 
— I — don't need it, but I — 

FURMAN. (Becoming dignified) Very well, madam, we'll 
take the case. 

MRS. W. Oh, thank you, sir! I feel that you can get it if 
anyone can. And Clyde, Dr. Wysong, told me that you could ad- 
vise me in the investment of the money I spoke of — I — want to 
buy some good oil leases. 

FURMAN. Have you made any contract yet? 

MRS, W. No. I haven't yet decided what is the best territory. 
I know so little about it; I'll just risk your judgment on it. Can't 
you advise me about some property? 

FURMAN. Let's see ** Oh, by the way, here is a lease on 
two thousand acres out a few miles north of town where they 
are drilling. A friend left it in here today and asked us to sell it 
for him. He's going to be away. It's the best bargain I know of, 
if you have the money to take advantage of it. 

MRS. W. Oh, fine! I hope I have; how much is it? 

FURMAN. Let's see: two thousand acres at $200.00 per acre 
— four hundred thousand, cash. And if they get oil in that well 
they are drilling, it will make you millions; then, I guess your 
husband will say you have a business head. 

MRS. W. Oh, that's too lovely for anything! (Writes check) 
To whom shall I make the check? 

FURMAN. Why — er — ah — the party who is selling this did 
not want his name known, because he is selling it at such a bar- 
gain. Just make it out for the amount and I'll fill it in later. 
(Receives check and transfers lease) All right: thank you. 
(Telephone rings at right.) 

FURMAN. Yes, this is Furman speaking. *** Yes, I have 
developments. **- Come right over. *** Good bye. 

MRS. W. It is so fortunate that I found you. I'll go now, and 
you must let me know just as soon as you get action in the 

32 



divorce and alimony case. And another thing — 

FURMAN. Pardon me for interrupting you, Mrs. Worthmore, 
but the most important part of our interview is oyer, and just 
now I have a client coming over on very important business. So 
I ask that you go into this room and wait a few minutes. My wife 
and several others are in there. (Opens door to right) Tootsie, 
Mrs. Worthmore will come in a few minutes. Don't get impatient, 
you folks, and soon we'll go. 

(Rap at door left, and Worthmore enters hurriedly.) 

FURMAN. Come right in, Mr. Worthmore! Things came to 
a crisis sooner than I expected, and I am glad to hand you your 
wife's — ah, pardon me — the former Mrs. Worthmore's check for 
$400,000 for the lease on that two thousand acres of land you 
have north of the city. 

WORTHMORE. What! Do you mean to say you got that 
much for that wildcat stuff? Why that's robbery, man! Highway 
robbery! Why, that stuff isn't worth ten cents, actual value! 

FURMAN. You said get the money any way we could, and 
anything is fair in love, war, or the oil game. When a man is 
selling oil leases he doesn't consider what it is worth; he only 
considers what the other fellow will pay for it. 

WORTHMORE. (Shaking hands) You deserve to keep that 
whole amount; you did it so nicely. 

FURMAN, Only the commission agreed to — 

WORTHMORE. Well, I told you I'd give you twenty-five per 
cent of whatever you got out of that lease, 

FURMAN, Pardon me, sir, THIRTY, I believe. 

WORTHMORE. Well, hang it, what do I care? That wasn't 
what I was after. All I wanted was to get it out of her hands. 

FURMAN. Yes. And you remember, I was to get ONE- 
FOURTH of it for getting it away from her; I believe that 
makes — in all — 

WORTHMORE. Fifty-five per cent of the whole thing. (Writ- 
ing check) Just make it Oxford and Furman? 

FURMAN. (Catching himself and swallowing hard) Just 
make it out to T. L. Oxford, esquire. Thank you, (Putting check 
under paper weight on table.) And now, Mr. Worthmore, I have 
another matter to take up with you. Your wife — ah — the former 
Mrs. Worthmore — has filed suit against you for divorce — 

WORTH. Good! The sooner the better! But I have already 
given my consent, so how can this concern me? 

FURMAN. Well, she's asking for one-half million alimony. 

WORTH. (Jumping up in rage) Thunderation! She'll have 

33 



a happy time of getting it! She'll not get a blamed cent! 

FURMAN. Just a minute. Her case is pretty clear. You secy 
your letter is in her hands telling her you are leaving her, and 
here are her letters to you asking you for an explanation and a 
reconciliation. It's a pure case of desertion, and you'll only drag 
your name into the courts and furnish the big dailies with a new 
sensational disgrace. 

WORTH. What's her price, man? 

FURMAN. We can compromise for $500,000. And if it goes 
to court you will lose, and it will cost you a great deal more than 
that. 

WORTH. Yeaah, if you handle this as neatly as you did that 
lease I have no doubt I'd lose, all right! Will that satisfy her? 
How do I know that I'll not be blackmailed every few days for 
more every time she and that confounded Wysong need it? 

FURMAN. Oh, we'll take care of that part of it. Just make 
out a check and I'll fix up a contract whereby this firm agrees 
to take care of all subsequent demands made by your wife — ah — 
pardon me — the former Mrs. Worthmore. 

WORTH. Here, take it. I don't mind the money, but that cur 
of a Wysong! — Was he with her when she called? 

FURMAN. Well, no. Not exactly — that is, he came a short 
time before she did. They're both in the room there now. 

WORTH. What! What's that you say! (Drawing revolver 
from pocket) I WILL furnish the papers with a sensation ! 
(Starting right). 

FURMAN. Just hold on. You see Wysong is going to get 
married right away. 

WORTH. Why, she hasn't a divorce yet! Oh, Lord! 

FURMAN. Well, you see SHE doesn't need a divorce for 
HIM to marry my wife's friend and his boyhood sweetheart, Miss 
Kitty Sheppard. 

WORTH. What! WHAT!— 

FURMAN. Have a seat, Mr. Worthmore, until I write Mr. 
Oxford a short note. (Pause, while F. writes rapidly on type- 
writer. He signs letter and places it unopened by checks on 
table) And now, I'll introduce you to your COUSIN, Dr. Clyde 
Wysong, and your cousin-to-be, Miss Kitty Sheppard. 

WORTH. My COUSIN! Wysong my cousin! Oh, my poor 
little wife! I must see you at once! (Starts out right, Furman 
intercepts him at door. Enter Oxford, unobserved, at left. He 
hears rest of conversation) 

34 



FURMAN. Wait just a minute, please. I want to see her. She 
was to give us half of that money you just paid. 

WORTH. Thunderation man! you have just got a couple of 
hundred thousand out of me in that double deal a while ago. 
How much does it take to satisfy you? 

•FURMAN. Only the amount agreed upon. 

WORTH. Well, I haven't got time for that now! I've got to 
see my wife! Tear up the smaller of those two checks and in- 
dorse the other for my wife and keep it. (Exits right.) 

(Furman stands looking out right; noise of conversation 
heard. Oxford advances to table and examines checks and Fur- 
man's note. His face relaxes, and he starts to address Leonard, 
when others enter right. He takes position left front.) 

WORTH. Yes, believe me, Oxford has SOME partner! 

FURMAN. (Frantic) Tootsie, I must tell you the truth. We 
can't have this out — I must — this partnership business — You see, 
I am not Mr. Oxford's partner at all, and we can't afford this 
trip; we can't afford anything — were penni — 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, Leonard, catch me! It's coming on me 
again! (Leonard supports her) 

OXFORD. (Coming forward) Pardon me ladies — everybody. 
I want to introduce you to my new partner and superior, Mr. 
Leonard Furman. (To Leonard) And so you had the checks made 
out to me, and were leaving without one cent of pay? These your 
farewell message! 

FURMAN. Well, you see, my salary for one day wouldn't 
amount to much, so just let it go. 

OXFORD. Hera. I am endorsing this check to you. It's your 
salary for today, and this is your last day on a salary. (To Mrs. 
Furman) Mad?m, you may pull off any kind of social stunt in 
here you want to ! 

MRS. TRUEBELLE. We envy you, dear, your good fortune! 

KITTY. Come, let's leave them alone. We'll all prepare for 
an early start en our trip. (Exit all except Mr. and Mrs. Furman, 
left) 

FURMAN. (Calling out left, haughtily) Oh, by the way, 
Oxford — William — join us in our little outing tomorrow. (To 
others, as they exit, left) We'll have everything ready, folks. 
(Exit all but Mr. and Mrs. Furman, left) Now, Tootsie, tell your 
old hubby that you don't have anything against him because he 
has been so ugly to you. 

MRS. FURMAN. Oh, Leonard! How could you be so cruel 

35 



a while ago? Just to humiliate me before our friends, when you 
knew my heart was so weak? 

FURMAN. Now, Tootsie, please forgive me for every time 
I've been ugly to you, won't you? I have made over $500,000 
tonight for my own little Tootsums, but it all doesn't count 
unless my own little Tootsums gets in a perfectly good huraor. 

MRS. FURMAN. (Brightening up) Oh, isn't that fine! Now 
we can have OUR OWN launch that we go in tomorrow and 
won't have to hire one; it's so common! 

FURMAN. But, Tootsie, don't you think we can make out 
with a hired one? Don't you think it is time we started to begin 
to try and save a little — 

MRS. FURMAN. Now, Leonard! (Sighing) Oh, don't always 
be so selfish and cruel that way and deny your wife every little 
pleasure she wants. Oh, how can you be so heartless when you 
know that every minute may be my last? (Putting hand to heart) 
Oh-h! I believe it is coming on again! I wish it would, and then 
— I know you would be glad — 

LEONARD. (Falling on his knees before her) Tootsie! 
Tootsie!! Please don't think that way about me! You know I'm 
not like that! Sure, my 'ittle Tootsums can have her own 'ittle 
launch, her can — -Only don't think that way about her old, mean, 
hateful, cruel, old hubby! 

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